I invite you to read this blog as if you never ever heard about how to deal with a difficult conversation before, because what you are about to read has probably a [much] easier and different approach than you are used to up until now.
Hopefully it will give you a deeper understanding of the challenges you either are in or could fall into in the future.
So…What is really the clue about difficult conversations?
How is my internal state during [or before] a difficult encounter?
How do I feel internally when I am in a place of joy and peace?
What is the difference between those two?
Where do the different feelings come from?
Lots of questions, I know. But please, hang on!
There are two things I like to address here.
- Where do [all] our feelings [good and bad] come from?
- The one major thing helping you combat the stress.
- Our feelings come from the experience of our thoughts.
Thoughts can be anything weird or rational going on between your ears. It can be internal films and sounds. The thing is, they make you feel stuff. Thoughts are the single source of our feelings. We feel our thinking. All the time.
Day and night. Basically non-stop. Consciously and un-consciously like when we dream, daydream or have automatic reaction patterns.
We cannot change our thoughts by force either, contrary to what we might have heard before [but rarely had any success with], but we can absolutely have “thought changing moments”. Insights. When we go “a-haaa” and realise something new. Bam.
New thought comes constantly and with it the ability to feel different.
“You are always one thought away from happiness, if you find that one thought” Sidney Banks, The Missing Link
But, what does this have to do with a difficult conversation?
We will get there very soon, so please hang on with me a little longer, the fun is just about to start.
2. Difficult conversations are difficult because we feel troubled. We feel the awkwardness, the pain, frustration and sometimes anger and bursting of tears. Not uncommon.
The moment we wake up to and realise that unpleasant feelings are coming from the same place [inside of us] as any given good feeling, things start to become easier. We know that different parts of our brain operate in different states or moods, but it all comes initially from a thought response.
This is just a fact. #nofakenews
We don’t have to fight the feeling anymore. We don’t have to fear feeling uncomfortable.
Yes, there are moments in our work life we have to encounter giving unpopular messages or conversations, especially as a leader. It comes with the work. With this understanding of the mind, this will change the way you work around it.
You will become more grounded.
The biggest secret is that you already are grounded. You have everything you need ready-set to feel good, secure and confident. It's all in you. Given. Resilient like the kid you once used to be.
You see, it is just a innocent mis-understanding about how the human mind works that has made you think other.
It is your insecure thinking in the moment that hypnotises you to believe it’s a bad thing to feel bad.
So, what if we stopped taking your troubled thoughts [and thus feelings] so freaking seriously?
What if the only thing we really ever feared were our own thoughts and feelings in the moment? Not the other persons? We could handle that bit, right?
If a difficult feeling did not have the impact of difficult anymore, how would that change your fear of a difficult conversation in the future? [Thats a deep one!]
Good luck with not putting too much attention to your thinking. Let your thoughts/feelings come and go. Let them flow, they will anyway.
Also, be curious to what emerges out of the [difficult] conversation, it might surprise you in a positive way when you find yourself more grounded, connected and open.
Thanks for reading my blogpost!
Big fearless greeting from Aja 😉
P.S. I would love to hear from you in a PM about how this insight could affect you in your future conversations, so please, do not hesitate to send me a message or comment.
Book recommendation for more input on understanding our inside-out nature.